We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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