there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
