Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
