Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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