I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
