I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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