we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
only you would photoshop your dick
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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