my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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