I think I won the penis lottery.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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