I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
