So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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