sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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