I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
