Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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