Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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