I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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