it was like his penis was on wheels.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
