if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm just crazy horny about you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
