Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
