I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
