i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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