The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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