hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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