If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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