I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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