So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
