Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
