i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
we're so committed to being not committed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
