Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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