I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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