I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
