never play flip cup with pint glasses
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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