Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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