I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
