This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
