take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
