He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
