i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize