dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
