I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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