Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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