I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
