Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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