turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
