Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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