I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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