My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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