Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
this will be a night to untag.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
