I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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