I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
