She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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