You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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