Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
