Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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