theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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