planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
