I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
