You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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