I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We are all done wearing pants today
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
