She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
