Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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