He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
